I was having those crazy fever dreams when you're not sure if it's a dream, a nightmare, or if the giant rose bush really is trying to eat your face while Roger Staubach watches, when I heard unfamiliar voices. I roused myself a little as the voices got louder.
"Damn, did you see his face? He never saw that coming."
A bunch of laughter burst forth and a second voice answered.
"Watch out! Here they come."
I realized this was not a dream, and the voices were coming from my flowerbed, right outside my window. I heard running feet, and then the voices continued around the side of my house.
"That was close! Let's go."
I drug myself from the couch and peeked out the side window in time to see two young guys run up my driveway and into my unfenced backyard. About that same time, my living room flooded with light bright enough that my fever-addled brain truly thought for a second that the mothership had arrived, and I was about to be abducted by aliens. I ran to the front door and there was a cop cruising down the street with a search light. I opened my front door, gestured like a crazy woman swatting bees, and exaggeratedly pointed to the side of my house. The policeman stopped the car, whispered for me to get in the house, drew his gun, and started up my driveway.
Not knowing what to do next, I woke up Big Daddy. Now, Big Daddy is macho. He's an awesome shot and very protective of what is his. However, he also only sleeps about 4 hours a night, and during those four hours, he is dead to the world. A plane could land in our living room, and he would keep on sawing logs. And woe be unto anyone who dares to wake him up during his "nap." He doesn't have the quickest reaction time.
I wasn't thinking of any of this, though. I was waiting on a shootout at the Ok Corral to bust out at any moment in my driveway, so I woke him up.
"Babe. Babe!! Wake up there's a couple of guys in the backyard."
"Huh? What?" And then he sat straight up in bed.
I explained again. "I was asleep, and I heard voices. These two guys were in our flowerbed and then ran to the backyard. The police were going down the street and one of them drew his weapon and is in the backyard now."
Big Daddy popped out of bed like his butt was bread in a toaster. He rushed to the closet put on a pair of Justin steel-toed workboots to go with his Spongebob Squarepants boxers and grabbed the gun.
"What are you doing? Stop! The police are out there!"
"So? It's my property. They might need help!"
"Not from someone in Spongebob boxers! Seriously! Stop!"
Big Daddy wasn't listening, though and rushed to the backdoor where he proceeded to flip on the light in the backyard, blinding the surprised officer who was about five feet away from our backdoor, and illuminating his position for the hoodlums to see.
"Are you crazy?" I screeched. "Turn off the light! They'll see the cop!"
Big Daddy stepped out onto the back steps in all his just woke up, creases on his face, crazy hair, Spongebob-boxered glory and flapped his ungunned hand at me in annoyance as he asked the officer, "Is everything all right?"
The officer looked a little pissed to see him--can't imagine why--- and told him to go back in the house. Big Daddy bristled at that, but did as he was told. I told him to turn the light back off, so the officer could be hidden again. Of course, he'd also be night-blind, but hopefully so would the suspects.
I learned two things that night.
First, while novelty boxers seem like fun at the store, in an emergency, they redneck you up. We were *this* close to being on an episode of "Cops." Heaven knows, Big Daddy was dressed for it. If the policeman had seen Big Daddy's gun, I know things would have gone bad. With Big Daddy's sleepy brain and belligerence, we might even have made the first-part highlight of the show.
Secondly, next time there's an emergency, I'll go Annie Oakley on the situation. I'll grab the gun, let Big Daddy sleep, and just tell him later about what happened while he was blissfully asleep.
I am much more photogenic, after all.
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