Maybe that's why I notice the weird times. Not much else to focus on.
In all my times in public bathrooms, however, I can honestly say that I've never struck up a conversation. God forbid, I HAVE had to ask for paper from my stall neighbor, but never have I just been like, "Yo, how you doin'?"
I've never asked someone if they're having a good day. I have never asked if the other pee-er has seen a certain item and on what aisle I might find it. I've never asked if they know a good place to eat lunch. *excuse me while I make gross sounds with my ass and expel last night's dinner while I was ask you about where I can stuff my gullet back full so I can repeat this whole disgusting process tomorrow*
I have had these things happen *TO* me... and more.... but I've never talked to someone else.
I've also never apologized for any noises. The way I see it, we all make noises while on the porcelain throne, and in polite society, we just freakin' ignore them and move on. I heard nothing. You heard nothing. I smelled nothing. You smelled nothing. If anyone asks when we leave this place, we all farted roses in here and danced with a unicorn. Capice?
Today though, bless her sweet, meek soul, I had someone apologize to me.
But not for what you think.
There I was minding my own business, doing my own business, when the bathroom stall beside me locked.
I could hear Homegirl prepping the toilet with the Paper Shield of Cleanliness and Sanitation (because all germs are afraid of paper, don't you know... they see that paper and cower in fear. If you're very quiet you can hear their voices, all Cindy Loo Who-like scream, "Please, not the paper!" every time a stall door closes.)
Finally Homegirl settled down, and her own sweet angelic voice pierced the quiet. "Forgive my awkward stream."
"Seriously?" was my first thought. Then I wondered wildly, "Wait, is she praying or is she talking to me? Am I supposed to respond, and what if I do respond, and she was praying and thinks I'm an idiot?"
But then I heard it.
Her awkward stream.
DRIP. DRIPDRIP. DRIP. PSSSSHT *for a nanosecond* DRIPDRIP. DRIP. PSSSHT. *for a full second* DRIPDRIP......DRIP.
Then she giggled, wiped *I assume*, and flushed.
What in the name of Charmin was going on next door? Did she pee or was the toilet leaking? I've choked on more water than she expelled.
Seriously count, "One Mississippi... Two Mi....." and that's how long she peed. Seriously.
I know Kegels are good for you, but I humbly submit those were not Kegels she was doing. That, my darling loves, was a kidney infection waiting to happen. There was no way she emptied everything up in there. My only hope is she went and got some cranberry juice, and she is sipping on a glass of that bad boy right now.
Homegirl's gonna need it.
