National Geographic

Sometimes when we ladies get older, it seems like our "girls" don't always end up where they started. It's a sad fact of life that youth  is wasted on the young.

It's a pity.

A while back, I decided to visit my local Victoria's to see if I could learn her secret.  I've never been a tiny girl, never have, never will be, but  I thought I might get fitted  and even purchase an over the shoulder boulder holder or two.  

When I entered the used-to-be-a-lingerie-store-for-married-women-but-now-is-a-hypersexed-preteeen-makeup-addict-and-lover-of-the-word-pink-stitched-on-all-clothing-known-to-mankind store, I was quickly approached by a pencil-thin Katy Perry wannabe with a tight mid-drift bearing toddler-sized shirt, smacking on a wad of gum.

I was not, in all my glory, going to be measured by some sixteen year old kid.

Not.  Gonna.  Happen.

After seeing Baby Katy Perry, I decided I would just look around on my own, maybe find an approximation of the size I've worn since my "baby" was born twelve years ago, and leave.

"Can I help you? " she asked, blowing a bubble.

"No thank you.  Well, actually, I'm looking for a bra that lifts, separates, and super glues me back to where I'm supposed  to be.   I'm just looking, though.  Thanks," I said, trying to let her down easy.

Baby Katy, in her little size two jeans and with her darling faux diamond belly button ring, didn't recognize rejection.  "Great!"  she said.  "Do you know your cup size?"

"Sure.   I'm an NG,"  I responded.

"No ma'am,"  Baby Katy said slowly, as though I were a dense child who wanted to pet a cobra.   "Bras only come in letters like A, B, or C.   Sometimes they're double letters but you can't just mix and match letters like that.  You have to pick just one.   Like, I'm a  double D!" and she pulled her shoulders back and thrust her chest out.

She smiled at me wisely, as though she had just taught me an important lesson.

I smiled .   "I know," I said, patiently, "but I'm still an NG... you know, like National Geographic.  You've seen those pictures of the topless women from tribes in Africa?  That's what I look like without my bra.  I want something to make me look like I did when I was 20."

A small frown marred her sweet, naive, innocent young face.   "I don't think we have anything like that."

"No, I don't think you do, anymore," I said sadly.

 And I turned and walked out of the pop music filled, over-poweringly perfumed,  pink hell I had entered.