"I can't wait until I have a house of my own," I thought. Then I got one, and there's not enough storage space and the bathroom has dry rot. The floor keeps getting dirty and needing to be vacuumed. Someone keeps pooping in the toilet and creating the need for it to be cleaned. Every light in the house gets left on, and I go storming around turning them off like I'm in the middle of London during WWII and afraid the Germans will see the light, yelling and sighing the entire time about the cost of kilowatts. I learned new words with my house like interest rates and mortgage payments and points and housing inspections. I learned fascinating things like the difference between a 15 year roof and a 30 year roof. I worried about hail storms and termites and ants. Nobody told me about all this.....
If I'd only known....
"When I get a car, I can go anywhere I want," I said to myself. Then I bought one, and insurance had to be paid and speed limits had to be obeyed. There were inspection stickers and registrations, and God forbid, you blow a tire. A set of those babies can cost more than your mortgage. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Speaking of joy, let's talk about gas prices.... better yet let's not. I'll just get more depressed. There's great vocabulary with this one too like water in your gas, blown head gaskets, broken timing chains (which aren't actually chains, who knew?), and vacuum lock (which does not mean you don't have to vacuum the floors anymore). So much for freedom. Who can afford to drive?
If I'd only known.
"Mom is so mean. I don't feel good and she won't take me to the doctor. When I'm older, I'll go anytime I want." Then I got my own insurance, and learned what deductibles and premiums and out of pocket expenses were (such an odd name, out of pocket expense... since it's ALL out of my pocket and it's ALL an expense). I learned about pre-existing conditions and copays and FSAs and out-of-network charges and itemized bills. Go to the doctor?? Who can afford to use the insurance when you're so busy trying to pay for insurance?
If I'd only known.
"I won't cook nasty food like this when I'm older." Then I had a kid who wouldn't eat a hamburger, pb and j sandwiches, or ketchup. Not all together, mind you. But seriously, what kid doesn't like ketchup? Or a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Seriously?? I would have starved to death had it not been for a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich in my Muppets lunchbox. Seriously? Her idea and my idea of nasty clashed. I learned about nutrition and the 20% percentile for growth and fat for brain development. I discovered that onions won't kill me and olives actually taste good and salad is not the enemy. Green vegetables are your friend and you will eat them or you will get this same damn meal for breakfast, doyouunderstandme?
If I'd only known.
"My kids will have braces and not have crooked teeth like me." Almost $7,000, an oral surgeon visit, and more hours of my life than I care to count researching orthodontists, my kid will. I learned about frenectomies and bilateral xrays and ....... Okay... I didn't learn that much other than she'll wear them for awhile and then her teeth will be straight forever if she wears her retainer.... and she will.... or by the name of all that is holy and Crest Whitestrips, I will kill her.
If I'd known about all of this perhaps, I would have been nicer to my parents. And perhaps I would have locked myself in my room and worn my hair in pigtails and played with my dolls, refusing to grown up, until I resembled Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.
Yep, just like that.
If I'd only known.
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