We would go to her, and The Toddler would fight us, biting and clawing, as we tried to comfort her. All the while she was screaming in this high-pitched shriek that sounded as though we were ripping out her toenails. Her eyes would be wild, and she would look about the room or her bed, trying to get away from something. Her heart would be pounding. She'd be drenched in sweat. After about 10 minutes of constantly talking to her and trying to soothe her, she would finally "wake up" and then go back to sleep, exhausted. We would have these once or twice a night, three to four times a week.
Big. Fun.
When we weren't having night terrors, she was petrified that there were monsters in her room.
I was getting zero sleep. And a sleepy momma is a cranky momma.
I tried rationally explaining that there was no such thing as monsters. Those of you who have kids know how well that worked. We tried showing her the movie, Monsters Inc. Our thinking was that she would realize that the monsters weren't trying to kill her, just make her laugh. Didn't work. She started the night sleeping in her bed, but between the night terrors and the monsters, she was soon sleeping in our bed every, single night.
We were desperate.
I decided desperate times, call for desperate measures. We had recently been invaded by ants. The Toddler loved to watch me spray the line of ants with Raid. Once they began to curl up and die, she would bust out in this crazy happy dance, jumping up and down, clapping her hands, wiggling her booty, and squealing. I hoped the same thing would work with monsters.
I went to the dollar store and bought a can of air freshener that I wouldn't mind smelling every day for the next few weeks. I took it home and printed out a label for it.
When the kiddo was out of Preschool that day, I took her to the dollar store for a one dollar reward for her good behavior in school that day. As she was looking at all the beautiful "jewelry" and water balloons, I slipped my new and improved can of air freshener to the clerk. I explained that I would want to "buy" it in a minute. She looked at the label, laughed out loud, and readily agreed.
When we got to the checkout with The Toddler's new treasure, I excitedly mentioned the Go Away Monster Spray sitting on the counter. "Look baby girl, it's Go Away Monster Spray! Just like the ant spray Momma uses, EXCEPT this kills monsters! Want to get some?"
"Nope," she said, shaking her little head.
"Are you sure? No more monsters," I cajoled.
"Nu-huh, Momma," The Toddler restated.
"But it'll kill all the monsters! It's Go. Away. Monster. Spray."
"Don't want it."
At this point the clerk was cracking up.
"Well," I said, "we are getting it anyway. Just to try it out."
And that was that.
Later that night, after bath and stories, I asked her where the monsters are usually in her room, because I wanted to spray those areas.
"Behind da do-wa!"
I sprayed behind the door.
"Unda da bed!"
More spray under the bed.
"In da coo-na!"
Spray went into the corner.
"In da cwaset."
As I sprayed the closet, the scent of flowered fields filled the room.
"Smell that? It means the monsters are gonna die when they try to come in here tonight," I told her, full of enthusiasm.
"Den spray in da dwesser draw-uhs. De are always in dere."
I opened up the dresser and soaked her clothes in air freshener.
After deciding that we had sufficiently sprayed the monsters, we snuggled in the asthma-inducing, stomach-churning, sickly sweet, smelly room. My child made a contented sound and snuggled under the covers, a smile on her little face.
All was good.
Until it was not.
Around one in the morning, The Toddler woke us with screaming.
"Dey are-ra back!"
I sprung into action. "Where?"
"Da cwaset!" came her frantic little cry.
Bam! Sprayed.
"Behind da doo-wa!"
Pow!
"Quick! In da coo-na!"
Splat!
I was a monster spraying machine.
"Da dwesser, Momma! Da dwesser! Dey are dere!"
Zap!
"Unda da bed!"
Zing!
And then....silence.
I was lightly panting from my unexpected midnight work-out. "Did I get them all?"
"Jes," and she snuggled back down for sleep.
Easy, peasy, lemon squeasy. I could not believe it.
We repeated this another couple of times that first night. As the days turned into a week, I had to go back to the store to buy more Go Away Monster Spray. Each night, though, I was getting up less and less. Then, we started skipping nights until it was only once a week.
After about three weeks, The Toddler told me as we were snuggling before sleep, "Dat spway works. De Monsters don't come here any-mowa. Dey are too afwaid of you."
And we never had a monster again.
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